Discipline: Making it Effective by Making It Personal

"You are not managing an inconvenience. You are raising a human being." -Kittie Franz

Anyone who has more than one child has probably noticed that while one child will cry if you look at him wrong, the other child will defy every Nanny 911 philosophy and will still be screaming and kicking 2 hours after you began the discipline routine (forget that "they give up after 40 minutes" nonsense!). What then, is the key to discipline that works? It's simple: the child.

It would be nice if every home could have a chart that had a specific consequence for every possible offense. However, even if you could come up with a chart like that, I'm afraid the impact one consequence has on one child is very different from another child. Look at it this way: if your teenager said a vile word, you might take away her cell phone for a day, thus putting her into the depths of despair and ensuring she will not say this word [in front of you] ever again. If your toddler said a naughty word, taking a phone away probably wouldn't mean a thing and thus you will probably hear the word "SHUT UP!" again (when my 3-year-old wishes to be as downright naughty as she can possibly be, that is what comes out her mouth at high rates and volumes). See where I'm going with this?

Here are some guidelines to choosing an appropriate and effective discipline strategy for your child.

1) Discipline is behavior modification and should be thought of as such. Thinking of a consequence as a "punishment" places the focus on your child obeying you because of your power rather than your child developing into a morally, ethically, and wise individual who makes good decisions. And yes, your child will learn to obey/respect authority--but it will be because he understands that he should instead of because of fear. Keep the purpose of discipline in mind and you will go far.

2) The discipline should be appropriate to the offense. My daughter refused to pick up her toys in the time I allotted her to do so the other day. As a result, I put all of the remaining toys on the floor into a box which she then had to earn back (which her 3-year-old spirit refused to give in to and do until TWO days later). Notice that the discipline matched the offense (the offense, in reality, was disobeying mama. The action that showed the offense though, was not picking up the toys. So the discipline was relative and concerning the toys--it is a much more concrete A to B relationship for my child to learn if I keep the discipline flowing from the same object that was the problem in her mind!). I kept the consequence consistent with the problem, and I also kept it in proportion. I didn't take all of her toys away, just the ones that she didn't pick up in time.

3) The discipline should be meaningful to the child. Study your child to see what impacts that child the most, and use that to your advantage when choosing discipline strategies. For example, if your child who loves to write was mean to someone, it may work well to have him write five letters of positive affirmation to specific people, or to write a list of 20 things that are positive about the person he was mean to. Also, a social child will feel very negatively toward being separated from the rest of the family, while a more introverted child will find having 10 minutes away from everyone a welcome experience. You don't always have to chose the most drastic measure to create the most memorable impact on the child.
4) The discipline should be immediate. Research shows that to change the behavior of someone, immediate consequences are most effective. Often times, delaying a consequence is done to create a level of fear. If we are attempting to shape our child's character out of love rather than fear, though, manipulating the environment like that should be avoided. :) Yes, this will be inconvenient to you, and you may not always be able to make it happen. But if you threaten your toddler with you pulling over the car if he pokes his sister again, then you had better be ready to pull that car over, or your child will quickly learn that mom doesn't mean what she says and that he can get away with poor behavior. And that "wait until your father gets home" philosophy? I mean, really? Don't you want your child to respect both parents equally and know that the parents are on the same team? Discipline your child, mama, it is your responsibility to raise him right!

5) The discipline should be consistent. Keep the standards for your child as consistent as possible between homes and environments. If your child gets into trouble for hitting at home, he should also get into trouble for hitting while he is at the grocery store. Having the same discipline consequence for an offense doesn't matter as much as simply having a discipline consequence for the offense. For instance, if the child is at dad's house and is disrespectful, he may have to go to his room for 10 minutes. At mom's, he may end up in the corner for the same offense. The point is that your child will do better if he has the same set of standards, not necessarily consequences, for his behavior regardless of location.

The ultimate idea here is to learn about your child. It is important to shape a character without crushing it, and this can only be done by making each consequence appropriate and personal for the individual character it is supposed to shape.

Discipline: When to Enforce, When to Have Grace

 "What is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent."  

~ Bonnie Bedford

My son turned 21-months-old two days ago. Tonight was the first time he ever folded his arms while telling me "no" as he stood in his high chair after I had told him to sit on his bum during dinner. As soon as dinner was done, I got the kids washed up and into jammies. Again, my son defied me when I tried to put him into his bed. Even though he was fed, clean, warm, and had his beloved "blankie," he was still so very upset. The problem? He wanted to wear his sneakers to bed...


 Parenting little ones can all too often include power struggles over whose way something is going to get done--including if we are going to listen to mommy and sit during dinner, or if mommy is going to give in and let us stand while we eat! How do you foster independence and self reliance while still raising a child who knows how to obey and be respectful--and who doesn't feel entitled because he always gets his way? And how do you know which things to let go of, and which things to enforce? These tips will help you decipher this very question.


1) Uncover your motivation. What is the reason behind what you are asking your child to do? If it's a safety concern, then YES, you need to enforce your request and the child needs to obey immediately or have consequences appropriate to the situation/child/age. If safety is NOT a concern, then move to Tip #2.


2) Make sure it isn't a power struggle for you. Sometimes, let's face it, we want to enforce an idea of what our child should do because we want to "win." For some reason, it seems perfectly logical in the moment, but not so logical as I write this and think about myself facing off with a kid who can't even talk yet. Isn't teaching our child self control, love, and respect of more importance than teaching them to obey without question? Don't get me wrong; I want my child to be able to obey without question, because it could save her life some day. I also, though, want her to be able to reason and not just blindly follow someone, because the ability to reason could save her life later on when I'm not there. I also want my child to know that I will consider her feelings and thoughts, but that I will also enforce what I feel is the best decision for her (at least at this age!). 


3) It ultimately comes down to this: do you want to enforce something because it's good for your child, or because it's good for you? What is the issue at stake, and does it really matter? There will be times when you need to stick to your guns simply because your child is learning to obey. Other times, you need to show grace and allow your child to do it "his" way because it's an issue that really doesn't matter and allowing him to choose helps his development in some way.


For us tonight, my son sat during dinner and wore his sneakers to bed.