Reviving Life

 There are times when life gets crazy. You know the feeling. It might be bills, overbearing neighbors and people groups, job stressors, too many commitments...adjusting to life as a working mom, a stay at home mom, or a home schooling mom. Trying to balance an addition to the family. Dealing with an unruly pet. Figuring out how to not go crazy at home with the never ending cycles that come with being with small children all day. Figuring out how to not go crazy trying to balance working outside the home and meeting those small children's needs for mommy. Facebook addiction. Phone addiction. Pinning all the things instead of doing all the things. You get it.

My family was there. Really, we've been there for a few years. Our "crazy" has meant court battles, managing a child with PTSD episodes and other behaviors that are hard to manage, two years of not living in our own home, periods of joblessness, job changes, living in a small apartment with five people, me homeschooling and managing moving and the kids while my husband has been away more than he hasn't for his job the last year...but it's starting to break. Homeschooling is getting easier. My husband just came home after being gone for almost all of the last three months (even though he's gone again next week). My daughter is currently in an improved phase, and I found some REALLY promising resources for her in the location we're in now. Our family court appeal is going to be heard on October 28, and we currently don't have any other ongoing trials to deal with. And today...today, we are finally closing on this beautiful log cabin home in the woods. Peace. Wow!

It's a long story, and it still continues. But God is faithful. He has so much love for us, and He has continued to provide even when our circumstances have literally been impossible. I am so thankful, so grateful, so humbled by it all. How great the Father's love for us.

So we're beginning. Continuing. Reviving ourselves as we near the end of the struggles we've been facing. Running as fast as we can toward the relief that we want to wash over us. Being silent, because we don't know what to say as we just breathe. It feels so good to finally breathe again, and not in hurried, panicked breathes that we choke on as we try to save ourselves. If I've learned anything, it's that we can't save ourselves. We can't save our children. We can't save anyone. We can only release ourselves. Release our children. Release others.

Today, we mark another step in reviving our life, and we are so ready.

4 Things To Know About Child Sexual Offenders + Resources for Parents of Juvenile Sexual Offenders

I wasn't going to write on this topic again, but alas, it appears that a post that covers juvenile sexual offenders would be helpful to the general public. I'm glad people are eager for this information, because there is a lot of misinformation going around right now. I hope that the information and resources here will put minds at rest and abate some fears, as well as bring hope for a future without abuse.

1. Being a sexual offender is not the same as being sexually curious or sexually acting out. Curiosity is normal, sexually acting out is a result of something else (it can even be a result of violence, other abuse or neglect, etc.), and sexually offending means you are repeatedly doing this, knowing that it's wrong (these aren't the scientific definitions--look them up to learn the differences).
2. Children who offend are different than adults who offend. The police, courts, and programs understand this. You don't need to worry that by seeking out legal or professional help, that your child is going to be sent to prison. That's not how it works. (See "Understanding Juvenile Sexual Offending...")
3. There are treatment programs available for child offenders to help them act safely in the community and at home. These aren't "jails". They are programs, and precautions are taken to make sure your child isn't going to "learn" from another offender. Again, this isn't prison. In fact, the research shows that a community/home based approach is effective (http://www.publicintegrity.org/2013/04/24/12559/new-therapy-proves-effective-juvenile-sex-offenders) 
4. Many child sexual offenders will not continue to offend. Hallelujah! Again, they aren't little adults. (See "Understanding Juvenile Sexual Offending...")

If your child, or a child you know, is acting in a sexually abusive way towards others, you need to take action and get help for that child (and also the victims). Here are some resources to get you started:

1. Understanding Juvenile Sexual Offending Behavior: Emerging Research, Treatment Approaches and Management Practices This article explains the characteristics, typology, treatment research, justice trends, intervention research and models, abuser assessment, treatment, and recommendations for practice (READ THE RECOMMENDATIONS).
2. Sex Offender Treatment Services PASS Program: http://www.nyap.org/sex-offender-treatment-service/4576110432. This is for youth, and is done while they are at home or in therapeutic foster care. It works with the youth, the families, and others involved. It's a treatment team approach, which all treatment is in these situations.
3. The Marsh Foundation has an example of a inpatient treatment program for male child/teenage offenders. Even though the child stays on site for generally 6-12 months to complete the program, the family must take part in the program and completion is influenced by the home and family environment.
4. Your local social service/law enforcement agency are who will have the resources you need. They are not going to look at your child with disgust, but instead will be compassionate and will understand your outcry for help. Your child has to be brave enough to receive treatment, and you have to be brave enough to get it for them. Check for local support groups for parents of juvenile sexual offenders, and check out this Handbook for Parents and Caregivers of juvenile sexual offenders. 

Above all else, remember that there is always, always hope. The best days are yet to come.

Dear Mom Like Me

Dear mom who is run down, looks like a hot mess, feels like she can't remember who she is, is sure she is failing, feels guilty because she is secretly angry inside, is convinced her life is a hamster wheel, but somehow loves being with these amazing little people even more than she is frustrated by all of the "other" things that come along with them:

You know that you're enough, so I'm not going to tell you that. You know that this too shall pass, and you probably feel like you have no right to even tell anyone how you're feeling because you don't want someone to be confused and think that you aren't grateful for your children or that by feeling this way that you somehow take your children or your moments with them for granted.

I know you don't take the kids for granted. I know you don't take the moments for granted. I know you are grateful. But I also know that you miss yourself. I know that you struggle with being depressed and happy at the same time and man, it's so confusing. I know that you want to scream at doing 400 dishes a day, that Mt. Laundry might as well be called Mt. Never Ending Treadmill and that you just wish you could be a "normal" person (i.e. showering more than once a week) again.

Dear mama, this is what you need to know. This is what I need to know. And this is what we need to remember, and remind each other of daily:

• Your children think you're beautiful.
• No one else knows how messy your house is.
• Your kids don't care how messy your house is. (oh, the irony)
• If you're like me, you just can't accept the fact that your house is going to be messy while you have young children. Instead, work on accepting the fact that you're just going to feel crappy about how the house is while you have you have young children.
• You still have the same smile that your husband fell in love with.
• You can own your new "mom" identity. 
• You don't have to let go of who you used to be. Just because you haven't ran a marathon in 2 years, played piano in 6 months, aced a college exam in 10 years, or learned a new skill that didn't involve your offspring in...a long time..., doesn't mean that those things aren't still a part of who you are. There are seasons, and just because the corn isn't being harvested now, doesn't mean it isn't growing or that it won't be planted again. And if you decide to grow squash next time instead of corn, it's ok. Your entire life makes up you, not just the present.
• It's ok to rest. 
• It's ok to have a bad day.
• It's ok to love and hate what you're doing, where you're at, and to be frustrated by the fact that you can't change it.
• And it's ok to admit that none of these things mean that you don't love your kids more than all the other moms in the world. In fact, they have no effect on the fact that you are a rockstar mom or that your kids are going to grow up, call you blessed, and talk about the awesome memories they have of childhood--because they are going to have them. 

Maybe motherhood of young children is like childbirth; it's excruciatingly difficult at moments, but after it's done, you somehow become oblivious to the difficulties you went through and just remember the amazingness of it instead. Because let's face it, it is amazing hearing a person read for the first time. To see them discover their toes. To hear them say "I love you". The fact that we know what our baby needs by the way she cries. To be the one he needs in the middle of the night. That they want to tell us EVERYTHING. That is amazing.

And you, mama, are amazing, too. Keep your eyes above the waves. You're gonna make it, and you're gonna do great.

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How Understanding Learning Styles Can Help Your Children

We all know that individuals learn differently -- some remember best the material that they hear, while others remember what they see better. Some people need to experience something hands on in order to do it, while others need to just read the directions. These needs within us are shaped both by our experiences and our biological make up. Learning styles go beyond memory style and learning preference, though. In fact, there are a LOT of things that go into making the learning environment around your child (or yourself) as successful as possible! An article published in California Journal of Science Education, Survey of Research on Learning Styles, says that learning styles are "as individual as a signature" and that understanding them can give us the ability to set up a learning environment designed exactly as a student needs. You can read the article (and the Journal it's from, which is pretty interesting!) at http://marric.us/files/CSTA_learnjournal.pdf#page=76

According to these authors, here are the things that make up a child's learning style:

1.  Right or Left Brain Hemisphere Dominance. This information will give you an idea about the structure, independence, group/individual needs, background noise/activity, if they'll be motivated by peers or adults, and even optimal lighting for the learning environment.
2. Age and Gender. Considering these things will help you figure out lighting, mobility needs, and sound needs. For instance, the need for sound is stronger for younger children, who also need less light (the need for light increases with age). And as I'm sure you already figured, boys need to move while learning more than girls do!
3. Perceptual Preferences. According to the Institute of Learning, "Perceptual learning styles are the means by which learners extract information from their surroundings through the use of their five senses."  The different preferences (with links so you can learn more) are: 

   Print - refers to seeing printed or written words. Aural - refers to listening.  Haptic - refers to the sense of touch or grasp. Interactive - refers to verbalization.

   Kinesthetic - refers to whole body movement. Olfactory - refers to sense of smell and taste. Visual - refers to seeing visual depictions such as pictures and graphs.

   
   Studies have shown that in order to score the highest on evaluations of learning, the child should first be presented with the material in his or her perceptual preference, then that material should be reinforced by their secondary or tertiary preference (. So for example, my son is very visual. I might show him a video of a Magic School bus episode or a picture book about germs first, then I might reinforce that lesson by doing a hands on germ experiment (to meet his secondary preference for kinesthetic), and end by him listening to a song about germs (aural).
4. Social Preference. In general, small groups are best for young students (as opposed to them doing work on their own without teacher involvement), heavy social learning in Jr. High, and then tapering off to do work independently and without as much teacher involvement in High School. This can all be affected by the student, though, so remember that your child is an individual and watch (and ask) to see how he or she learns best among peers and with/without a teacher!
5. Time of Day. Is your child a morning, afternoon, or evening person? IOWA achievement test scores were significantly higher in the research when children were administered the test during the time of day that matched them best! I can vouch for this personally as I know my daughter does best with her most challenging subjects (her reading to me) in the morning, but then listens the best in the evening (if I'm reading to her).
6. Mobility Needs. (I'm going to paraphrase from the article here). A bunch of kids were sent to psychologists for hyperactivity assessments. What did the psychologists say? That the kids were just "normal kids" with higher mobility needs--they were not actually hyperactive. Furthermore, the research found that the typical classroom environment was actually HURTING the education of the high mobility needs of (mainly) boys. Yikes! So instead of running to medication or discipline, consider the possibility that your boy might just be a boy and might just need to run around. 
   

Put it all together, and you'll have a really clear picture of what your child needs in order to learn and succeed the best! Learning styles are more than just being partial to sight, sound, or hands on. How do you think you learn best, and how do you think your kids learn best after reading this post?

When Your 4-Year-Old Won't Go To Sleep

My son wouldn’t go to bed. It was probably because he slept in late (I let him—it was the first Saturday we’d had as a family in a LONG time) and because he randomly put himself down for a nap during the day (huh?!). I lectured him. I threatened him with grounding. I took things away. He just wouldn’t stay in bed.

I got angry and was just about to fight him when I stopped and realized that he’s Four. And Four turns into Five awful quickly. Five turns into Seven and before you know it, Never Land is something you read about instead of something you experience. And I don’t want to let this fleeting moment go without experiencing it.

So instead of fighting, I told him to grab a bowl. He didn’t miss a beat, pulled up a chair, grabbed some lemonade, and we ate Fire Chips together (Doritos—don’t judge me about the red dye, this is rare).

He showed me his muscles. “Mom, feel them!” He explained how these muscles punch the monsters so they aren’t a problem. “Pow!”

I learned that he wants to “be a giant, like a T-Rex” when he grows up and I watched his face grow disbelief when I told him there would be dinosaurs in Heaven.

He slapped his forehead and grumbled when “the little girl upstairs is crying!” (who is actually Eight, and I’m sure nearly a grown up in his mind). And even though he has no idea who Macaulay Culkin is, he did the Home Alone face when he realized there are TWO Cheerios boxes sitting on top of the fridge. Those are his favorite. Well, not really, but I don’t buy his “favorite” ones, the horrible mother that I am.

We never sit, just the two of us. And never with silence around us. The stillness of the moment gave him the opportunity to explore the stack of old fashioned paper straws that were on the table. I had grumbled through picking them up off of his floor an hour earlier. They’re school manipulatives and are supposed to be helping him learn to count, not to be strewn around, bent, and left to Little Boy ways. But now, he told me to watch because when he spun them, “they go up and down.” Something he would have never learned if he simply used them for counting. He intentionally dropped two on the floor and told me he’s sorry, only to then meet me with a handsome grin when I immediately picked up my own and promptly dropped it on the floor, too.

We talked about art projects he and his older sister had done. He wanted to know if I’d picked his up off the floor where he had left it. Of course, I had. These things are precious to me. And tonight, I got to take time to show that the child who had made that piece of art is precious to me, too.

Thank you, Timmy, for the honor of being your Mommy.

Discipline: Making it Effective by Making It Personal

"You are not managing an inconvenience. You are raising a human being." -Kittie Franz

Anyone who has more than one child has probably noticed that while one child will cry if you look at him wrong, the other child will defy every Nanny 911 philosophy and will still be screaming and kicking 2 hours after you began the discipline routine (forget that "they give up after 40 minutes" nonsense!). What then, is the key to discipline that works? It's simple: the child.

It would be nice if every home could have a chart that had a specific consequence for every possible offense. However, even if you could come up with a chart like that, I'm afraid the impact one consequence has on one child is very different from another child. Look at it this way: if your teenager said a vile word, you might take away her cell phone for a day, thus putting her into the depths of despair and ensuring she will not say this word [in front of you] ever again. If your toddler said a naughty word, taking a phone away probably wouldn't mean a thing and thus you will probably hear the word "SHUT UP!" again (when my 3-year-old wishes to be as downright naughty as she can possibly be, that is what comes out her mouth at high rates and volumes). See where I'm going with this?

Here are some guidelines to choosing an appropriate and effective discipline strategy for your child.

1) Discipline is behavior modification and should be thought of as such. Thinking of a consequence as a "punishment" places the focus on your child obeying you because of your power rather than your child developing into a morally, ethically, and wise individual who makes good decisions. And yes, your child will learn to obey/respect authority--but it will be because he understands that he should instead of because of fear. Keep the purpose of discipline in mind and you will go far.

2) The discipline should be appropriate to the offense. My daughter refused to pick up her toys in the time I allotted her to do so the other day. As a result, I put all of the remaining toys on the floor into a box which she then had to earn back (which her 3-year-old spirit refused to give in to and do until TWO days later). Notice that the discipline matched the offense (the offense, in reality, was disobeying mama. The action that showed the offense though, was not picking up the toys. So the discipline was relative and concerning the toys--it is a much more concrete A to B relationship for my child to learn if I keep the discipline flowing from the same object that was the problem in her mind!). I kept the consequence consistent with the problem, and I also kept it in proportion. I didn't take all of her toys away, just the ones that she didn't pick up in time.

3) The discipline should be meaningful to the child. Study your child to see what impacts that child the most, and use that to your advantage when choosing discipline strategies. For example, if your child who loves to write was mean to someone, it may work well to have him write five letters of positive affirmation to specific people, or to write a list of 20 things that are positive about the person he was mean to. Also, a social child will feel very negatively toward being separated from the rest of the family, while a more introverted child will find having 10 minutes away from everyone a welcome experience. You don't always have to chose the most drastic measure to create the most memorable impact on the child.
4) The discipline should be immediate. Research shows that to change the behavior of someone, immediate consequences are most effective. Often times, delaying a consequence is done to create a level of fear. If we are attempting to shape our child's character out of love rather than fear, though, manipulating the environment like that should be avoided. :) Yes, this will be inconvenient to you, and you may not always be able to make it happen. But if you threaten your toddler with you pulling over the car if he pokes his sister again, then you had better be ready to pull that car over, or your child will quickly learn that mom doesn't mean what she says and that he can get away with poor behavior. And that "wait until your father gets home" philosophy? I mean, really? Don't you want your child to respect both parents equally and know that the parents are on the same team? Discipline your child, mama, it is your responsibility to raise him right!

5) The discipline should be consistent. Keep the standards for your child as consistent as possible between homes and environments. If your child gets into trouble for hitting at home, he should also get into trouble for hitting while he is at the grocery store. Having the same discipline consequence for an offense doesn't matter as much as simply having a discipline consequence for the offense. For instance, if the child is at dad's house and is disrespectful, he may have to go to his room for 10 minutes. At mom's, he may end up in the corner for the same offense. The point is that your child will do better if he has the same set of standards, not necessarily consequences, for his behavior regardless of location.

The ultimate idea here is to learn about your child. It is important to shape a character without crushing it, and this can only be done by making each consequence appropriate and personal for the individual character it is supposed to shape.

Discipline: When to Enforce, When to Have Grace

 "What is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent."  

~ Bonnie Bedford

My son turned 21-months-old two days ago. Tonight was the first time he ever folded his arms while telling me "no" as he stood in his high chair after I had told him to sit on his bum during dinner. As soon as dinner was done, I got the kids washed up and into jammies. Again, my son defied me when I tried to put him into his bed. Even though he was fed, clean, warm, and had his beloved "blankie," he was still so very upset. The problem? He wanted to wear his sneakers to bed...


 Parenting little ones can all too often include power struggles over whose way something is going to get done--including if we are going to listen to mommy and sit during dinner, or if mommy is going to give in and let us stand while we eat! How do you foster independence and self reliance while still raising a child who knows how to obey and be respectful--and who doesn't feel entitled because he always gets his way? And how do you know which things to let go of, and which things to enforce? These tips will help you decipher this very question.


1) Uncover your motivation. What is the reason behind what you are asking your child to do? If it's a safety concern, then YES, you need to enforce your request and the child needs to obey immediately or have consequences appropriate to the situation/child/age. If safety is NOT a concern, then move to Tip #2.


2) Make sure it isn't a power struggle for you. Sometimes, let's face it, we want to enforce an idea of what our child should do because we want to "win." For some reason, it seems perfectly logical in the moment, but not so logical as I write this and think about myself facing off with a kid who can't even talk yet. Isn't teaching our child self control, love, and respect of more importance than teaching them to obey without question? Don't get me wrong; I want my child to be able to obey without question, because it could save her life some day. I also, though, want her to be able to reason and not just blindly follow someone, because the ability to reason could save her life later on when I'm not there. I also want my child to know that I will consider her feelings and thoughts, but that I will also enforce what I feel is the best decision for her (at least at this age!). 


3) It ultimately comes down to this: do you want to enforce something because it's good for your child, or because it's good for you? What is the issue at stake, and does it really matter? There will be times when you need to stick to your guns simply because your child is learning to obey. Other times, you need to show grace and allow your child to do it "his" way because it's an issue that really doesn't matter and allowing him to choose helps his development in some way.


For us tonight, my son sat during dinner and wore his sneakers to bed.