International Beraved Father's Day

Remembering the daddy's of lost babies and children today on International Beraved Father's Day. 

You and your precious little ones are not forgotten!

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

The Refiner's Fire - Seven Babies in Heaven, Nine Babies on Earth

September, from One September Day (http://septembermccarthy.blogspot.com/), offered to have me share her journey of motherhood and the loss of seven babies over twenty years with all of you. Her story is directly copied from her own personal blog and, I think, is a beautiful way to end our time of honoring Babylost Mamas. :-)

My husband and I met on a blind date - and the rest is History! Engaged after three months, and married after one year, 1989 - we were on the road to marital bliss! Or, so we thought! Young and full of an eager desire to start a family, we were excited to find out we were expecting a few months after we were married.

This pregnancy ended with a miscarriage after 6 weeks, and the pain that a young mothers heart endures at this stage was something new to me, and it was raw. Our marriage was built on a Biblical Foundation, and so the Lord gave me comfort thru this time of loss.

Hope renewed, we discovered we were expecting again 6 months later, and the excitement turned to severe morning sickness, that lasted all day, with severe hydration. The Dr,'s prescribed medicine to combat the sickness, and at 16 weeks, we returned to the Dr. for the scheduled ultrasound.

It was here that we were told to come back 4 weeks later to follow up on a few things.

My husband was not able to return with me to this appt. and so a close friend of mine came along for support. She sat patiently in the waiting room, not knowing that just down the hall, the worst news a mommy could hear were being given to me.

The Dr. asked me to sit down in his office while he told me that our baby had no kidneys, that they could see, and that she would not be born alive, if she made it far into the pregnancy at all.

He referred us to a specialist, and that was all he had to say.

I remember walking out of the office, completely drowning in sadness, and not even able to speak to my friend, or look at the rest of the expecting moms in the waiting room.

They gave us a choice - jump start labor, and "save ourselves" from unnecessary grief,, OR, carry her to term and "hope" for the best.

The drive home was as if I was outside of my body. I can remember looking at all of the people in the cars driving past me, with what seemed that had no care in the world, and I was alone - mentally checking out of this pregnancy.

We chose to carry our little girl to term. We had many prayers surrounding us the entire time. I received numerous cards of encouragement, and phone calls from many that said they were praying.

But, the grief was deep. Deeper than I ever thought I could feel,, far away from God's love and comfort. I was keeping Him at arm's length.

As her birth drew near, a particular Hymn became dear to my Heart - Nearer, Still Nearer.

She was born on October 10, 1990, after a long and painful labor. Breech position, no fluid - but a perfectly formed, beautiful little baby girl, who spent 30 minutes alive in our arms - granting me the largest blessing for that day. She was perfect. We felt the Lord's presence, the Holy Spirit standing there beside us every bit of those 30 minutes. I was at such peace. We took sweet pictures of her, prayed, and sang, and will always thank the Lord for those precious moments with our Elisabeth.

Her funeral came shortly after, and I will never forget that day. There was such an outpouring of love from those we knew, and even strangers we had never met.

The song, Nearer Still Nearer became a larger part of who I am today.

That day, as we buried our little baby girl to rest, my heart broke into a million pieces. I could not walk away from her grave. I felt as if I was abandoning her - it was all so wrong. A mommy is suppose to comfort and nurture her baby. How can this be?

The Lord had His plans...and I was being molded into a new creation.

Then, why did we again, after this, experience another miscarriage? Only He has the answers, and I have learned His plans are best. He only wants what is good for me. Did I find it through these times?

It is now 1992, and a healthy baby boy was born into our arms. This pregnancy brought its own set of complications, but our Benjamin came home with us. Vibrant, and bringing a JOY that I can never explain. Every moment with a long awaited baby seems to be tri-fold emotion. Thank you Lord.

In 1993, we were again given another baby, a healthy baby girl.

And then in 1995 - another healthy baby boy.

It was in 1996, that we were surprised to find out that we were expecting identical twin boys. My nervousness quickly gave way to excitement. It was strange to me though, that after 16 weeks, my measurements were way off, and I was growing faster than normal. We quickly found out that I was experiencing something called Twin to Twin Transfusion, and our lives were in danger. The twins and mine. I was measuring 40 weeks at 16 weeks, and had to make the trip to the Dr. 2 -3 times a week for quarts of fluid to be drawn off ( amniocentesis).

This was so painful. Physically and emotionally. The pain of every day was almost unbearable. The extra ultrasounds gave us a rare view of our babies growing daily. What a hidden blessing to see them so often. The Dr. informed us that if we were able to carry them to 26 weeks, we would do an early C-Section, and hopefully stabilize them in ICU. Each of our baby boys had their own personality. The little window we had to see them grow allowed us to bond, beyond the movement in the womb. They were so active. The Dr.'s defined them as Baby A and Baby B.. but we named them Luke and Aaron.

Why do I fight the Will of God , when I KNOW He loves me beyond compare? I "fought" this plan daily , as I carried the twins each day. I knew that if my life was in danger, then I might leave my three precious babies without a mommy,, and then if I was ok, then the twins might not make it? Where did my Faith go?

He was refining me.

At week 24, I awoke in the middle of the night to the twins movement, and a battle raged within my heart. "God,, WHY?" I surrendered on my knees that night, asking Him to Have His Will, and give Him the Glory. I love you Lord,, please give me the strength to endure this."

The next night, something different woke me up. The twins had stopped moving. I knew. I would never see my babies alive. They were resting in His arms. Safe.

After a long and emotionally trying birth, our baby boys were placed in our hands, and we bathed them and gave them our good-byes. It was an exceptionally difficult moment ,, handing them over to be taken from us. So unnatural.

Their funeral was numbing. We were treading water,, waiting for a rescue of time alone.

The healing came slow. Very slow. We both felt as if we had just been through a storm and were weathered beyond repair.

But it came...by His Grace, and Mercy.

He had never left us, and if we didn't know His love personally, then would have completely drowned in waves of grief. He carried us through.

After the twins were born, we had three little girls, one year apart each.

And then we experienced another miscarriage.

There is something about a loss after such grief - it is almost as if you know what your heart is going to feel, and because we knew that God had never left us before, and so we were able to rest on His promises.
Our baby boy, Sam was born after this miscarriage. Beautiful, and healthy.

Then another Miscarriage.

And then 2 more girls. Oh, how precious they are to us. Sweet. They bring us so much Joy.

The Lord refined me through the 20 years that we have shared in marriage, and I know he will continue to. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. And I never thought that I would say that. I am only the person that I am today, because of what He brought us through, and How I could find Hope in the Midst of the Storm.
Praise Him with me! ? He is a Mighty Saving God, and Loves us enough to have the very best.
 

Read more from September about babylost mamas and families: http://septembermccarthy.blogspot.com/2010/03/will-god-ask-you-to.html

Resources for Babylost Families

For anyone who has already experienced the loss of a baby, below may be some helpful resources to help you feel connected, validated, and to ease you into healing while acknowledging the life of your child. For anyone who has not experienced the loss of a baby, there are some really wonderful things below that can help you in helping someone else who is going through the loss of a baby. Please, even if you think you will never be affected by the loss of a baby, take a moment to read through some of the links below so that you can better sympathize and support those who must endure such a journey.

Support and Information

Really, I couldn't do any better than the comprehensive list of Baby Loss Grief Resources that Earth Mama Angel Baby has put together at http://www.babylosscomfort.com/grief-resources/. It is exhaustive and worth a visit! The resource links are grouped by category: Facebook Healing Community, Grief, Genetic Defects, Miscarriage, Full Term Loss & Still Birth, SIDS, Infertility, For Fathers & Grandfathers, Special Needs, and Grief after Abortion. If you visit anything, visit this link!

Baby Loss Comfort: http://www.babylosscomfort.com/index.php
A place to remember baby at, grief resources, a "what to say" section, and Earth Mama Angel Baby baby loss comfort products.

International Babylost Mama Day: http://youareabeautifulmother.blogspot.com/
Recently put together by Carly Marie, an Australian mother whom experienced losing her only son.

The Grief Effect: http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/
A directory of grief projects by Carly Marie, including To Write Their Names In The Sand and other projects where she will honor your lost baby by writing her or her name on an Australian beach at sunset or sunrise and taking a photo. Truly beautiful work as well as links to her personal blog which is both soul crushing, healing, and inspiring all at the same time as she continues on her journey of being a babylost mama and mama to a few beautiful girls here on earth.

M.I.S.S. Foundation: http://www.misschildren.org/
A nonprofit, international organization "which provides immediate and ongoing support to grieving families, empowerment through community volunteerism opportunities, public policy and legislative education, and programs to reduce infant and toddler death through research and education." They also have online forums, a newsletter, and many other resources for professionals, the media, and families dealing with the loss of a child.

Gifts to honor, remember, and heal by...

Earth Mama Angel Baby's Baby Loss Comfort Products: http://www.earthmamaangelbaby.com/product/gift (bath and body products + more for the mama)

My Forever Child: http://www.myforeverchild.com/ (keepsakes and jewlery)

La Belle Dame: http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html (miscarriage and infant loss jewlery)

There is hope and healing

More great links, you say? Add them below in the comments with a short description! <3

Earth Mama Angel Baby Baby Loss Comfort Reviews

When a mother loses a baby, she is left not just with empty arms, but with a body that reminds her of that life and loss she has experienced. Since many friends and family members aren't sure what to say or do, many do and say nothing at all. It wasn't until I began researching in preparation for Babylost Mama Day that I realized there are products out there for these mothers, and after having experienced some of these products from Earth Mama Angel Baby first hand, I now know exactly what I can give to a grieving mother. These things won't fill that hole in her heart, but they will help her body and spirit heal at the same time while acknowledging her loss and giving her permission to grieve.

Earth Mama Angel Baby (EMAB) is a beautiful company--they offer affordable, fully organic and natural bath and body products (with a few other things like candles, heat packs, and music) that are wonderfully packaged with sensitive photography and carefully selected language. Their product selection is broken down into every stage of a mother's life--pregnancy, labor, post partum, breastfeeding, angel baby, and baby loss items. Not only has EMAB taken the time to create these things, though, but they also offer a host of information and support to mothers on their website. An extensive customizable birth plan template (which you may have seen me recently mention in this post), expert panel, FAQ, and a lot of resources for mothers who have experienced the loss of a baby are all available for free on their website.

This is a company that cares. I have been so impressed with my entire experience from them--the customer service is quick and thorough, the products are amazing, and they offer such a wealth of knowledge and resources! Any mother will be blessed by the EMAB products she receives, and especially the babylost mamas--the Baby Loss Comfort products from EMAB will truly make her feel recognized as a mother and give her the resources and permission she needs to heal both physically and in the heart.

 Seeds of Hope ($5.95) are easily sown, organic calendula seeds to plant, grow and nurture. The sensitive blessing on the back of the packet begins:

“I am planting these seeds in remembrance of you.

As I tuck them into the soil, I am planting my hope for the future

While I bury my dreams of holding you in my arms...”

I love the idea of having perenial flowers to sow in honor of a lost baby. It is a tangible way to say "I remember you" that will bring new life time and again. Many families aren't able to bury their babies in the way that they'd like, and no one can visit their burial place as often as they'd like...the Seeds of Hope are a way to keep the memory of that little life with you at home (or wherever you choose to plant the flowers) and in a way that involves life. I haven't been able to sow my seeds yet, but I'm planning on using them in a special place to honor my brother who was lost to a stillbirth and I can't wait to have that special section of my flower garden dedicated to him each year.

 

Comfort Bath Blossoms ($8.95) is a sweet blend of comforting and calming organic herbs and organic oatmeal. Immerse yourself in an herb-infused tub and let them comfort your body and your spirit. Soak your body, warm your heart, blend your tears with the bath water and let them drain away.

These make for a truly soothing, moisturizing, and delicately scented bath. It reminds me of a floral, minty-type smell, but the herbs are actually heavy on lavender and calendula with lemon balm and rose petals included. Since the "portion sizes" for each bath are left for you to determine, you could get from 2 heavily infused baths to 10, I'm guessing, just depending on your preference. It's easy to use the bath blossoms as a muslin bag is included in the jar for you to fill as you please and steep in the tub before you get in. I will certainly go so far to say that this product is awesome for any person and isn't limited just to the babylost mamas.

 Soothing Harmony Tea ($5.97) honors women who have had the saddest loss, but who still have postpartum needs. Calming, astringent herbs have long been used to ease the body and mind when so many women need it most. USDA Certified 100% Organic & Certified Kosher, Harmony Tea is a delicious combination of herbs rich in nutrients, and was formulated especially for women's needs both monthly and postpartum.

Harmony Tea synergistically blends astringent lady's mantle and cinnamon with balancing lemon balm, mineral rich nettles and alfalfa, and rejuvenating, cramp easing ginger for a delicious, care-filled cup of tea.
All Earth Mama Angel Baby teas now come in easy to brew tea bags. The tea bags are biodegradable, the tea overwrap is compostable and the 100% recycled and recyclable cartons were produced using wind energy. Steep, sip and relax.

While I'm unable to currently "test" this tea since I'm pregnant, I can attest to the great packaging, enticing ingredients, and a delicious smell. In fact, this box of tea is already in my hospital bag for after I birth my baby. The thing I love the most about this tea is that while it does contain all sorts of awesome things for a post partum body, the packaging focuses on the mother and both her phsycial and heart's healing instead of on what this tea is going to do for her after-birth body. Sometimes, a cup of warmth is a very appreciated thing when one has just gone through a traumatic event.

 Healing Heart Mist ($14.95) is a blend of pure essential oils traditionally used to ease sadness and soothe spirits. A comforting way to bring clarity and calm, spray it into the air, over your body and onto your linens to help your transition from grief to peace.

I LOVE the Healing Heart Mist! I've actually been using it about twice a day since receiving it in the mail and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it's all gone. :-) It is absolutely the best essential oil blend I have ever smelled and really is comforting and uplifting all at the same time! Made in a water and organic olive oil base, it sprays onto skin and in the air very smoothly without being oily or just washing off. The blend is primarily a variety of citricy essential oils (tangerine, lime, orange, and ylang-ylang) but also include ginger. It is not too strong or too light, and does relax and make you feel better. This gets my vote as a gift for anyone at any time, but especially for the newly babylost mama who needs an extra dose of encouragement. :-)

While you can find Earth Mama Angel Baby products in many stores and online, I would recommend visiting and buying through http://earthmamaangelbaby.com/ so that you can also benefit from all of the extra things they have on their website...and they have weekly/monthly specials, too! A big thanks to EMAB for providing samples for this review. I'll be working with them again in the coming months to share some more products with you so be sure to check back!
 

Earth Mama Angel Baby provided the samples for this reviw. No other compensation was received and I was under no obligation to write anything positive.

Etta's Baby Angels Story

Guest blog article by Etta for International Babylost Mama Day, which is being honored at Life More Simply all week long.

I am a 22-year-old wife and mom of two angels. We were by no means trying for our first pregnancy and it really surprised us and changed our lives forever. We were so excited to be parents and knew that it was right for us. I had to go on "maternity leave" right away because of the requirements of my job; I followed all the guidelines...and still never met our baby.

We had our first appointment at 10 weeks--just the "get to know you" appointment--and my Dr. sent me home with orders for an ultrasound titled "check fetal vitality." That was the first time I even thought something was wrong. At 12 weeks we had our first ultrasound. I was so excited that we were going to get to hear the heartbeat! When the tech started, I was just trying to see the screen but I didn't understand why she wasn't explaining what I was seeing on the screen. At the end she told me there was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring at 10 weeks. My husband was in the room for the whole ultrasound but he didn't quite understand what had been said, so I then had to explain to him that we had lost our baby.

They weren't able to schedule me for a D&C for another 4 weeks and my body never realized it. I had the constant reminder of my pregnancy every morning because I was still experiencing morning sickness. After the D&C, I started getting infections regularly and experiencing a lot of pelvic pain. First, my Dr. identified that I was getting ovarian cysts, then he ordered a hysterosalpingogram and we discovered that my left tube is closed. At this point my husband was on deployment so trying for another baby was at a stand still. My Dr. told me to come back for more testing if we went 6 months without conceiving. Well, month 6 came and we were pregnant again.

Our insurance decided I had to go to a military Dr. for my pregnancy and they couldn't get me in until I was 11 weeks whereas my original OB was going to see me at 7 weeks. I was very upset at the delayed time of the appointment but they were not concerned about my first loss. I ended up going to the ER for some slight cramping mostly for peace of mind because I knew they would do an ultrasound for me; this was around the 7 week mark and I couldn't wait anymore. They sent me home, telling me the ultrasound and blood work all looked good.

Two days later I started spotting and kept justifying it, telling myself it can be perfectly normal. Another two days passed and I decided it was time to go back to the ER this time they told me there was no evidence of a baby on the ultrasound and my blood work was "less pregnant" than my trip 4 days prior. I was 8 weeks pregnant. The worst news was yet to come, they told me when they were discharging me that no tests were going to be done and I wasn't considered high risk until I lose a third baby. We are back to trying with no success as of yet.

All I have for my two babies are my tattoos. The wings were done first with footprints in the top, for our angel and the story of footprints. The cross and roses is the most recent there are two partially opened rose buds on the cross for our two little angels.

~Etta

Leslie's Angel Baby Story

Guest blog article by Leslie for International Babylost Mama Day, which is being honored at Life More Simply all week long.

My name is Leslie and this is the story of my angel baby.

In June of 2008 we found out we were expecting our third baby. Although it was an unplanned pregnancy, we were thrilled at expanding our little family. I called the doctor that very day to set up my first appointment for 8 weeks. My first two pregnancies had been relatively normal so I wasn't incredibly nervous for this pregnancy. When I was 6 weeks pregnant I woke up to some cramping. I tried to take it easy and rest, but that was difficult with my other two young children. At around 11 o-clock that morning I felt a sudden gush and the cramps intensified. I went to the restroom and discovered I was bleeding heavily. I tried to keep myself calm as I called the doctor and was told to come to the office immediately. I made arrangements for my other children and called my husband at work. He drove me to the doctor's office where I had blood tests and an ultrasound.

During the ultrasound the doctor found the small gestational sac. I had never had an ultrasound this early in the pregnancy so I wasn't sure what I was supposed to see. The doctor pointed out that the sac was a very abnormal shape and underdeveloped even for 6 weeks and that I was definitely miscarrying. I was sent home with instructions to come back in three days for more blood work to be sure my hormone levels were returning to normal. That was it. I went home, heartbroken, and held my then 9-month-old son and cried for several hours.

The following day I woke up with terrible morning sickness. I was very emotional and cried for several hours a day for the next couple of days. I was confused, though, as my morning sickness was increasing each day. On the third day I returned for more blood work and that evening my doctor called to tell me that my hormone levels were doubling still which meant I was still pregnant. She was baffled because of the abnormal sac from the ultrasound. We reviewed the ultrasounds and discovered that the abnormal sac was only 1 of 2 embryos that were growing. I had lost the twin. I was overjoyed that my pregnancy would continue, but I was still devastated that the other baby was gone. I went through many ups and downs over the next 33 weeks. I spent 10 long weeks on bed rest trying to hold on to the remaining baby.

The most difficult part of the loss was that it was pushed aside as if it hadn't happened. I ended up with one healthy baby in the end of all of it so nobody considered this a loss. I received comments such as "at least you still have a baby, it could be worse" or "that doesn't really count as a miscarriage because you still have a baby." It was painful as I grieved completely alone. I felt that I couldn't show any emotion about the loss of my baby or even discuss any pain I felt because maybe it really didn't "count" as a loss. Every baby that is lost instills a level of grief that only a babylost mama can understand. Maybe the baby that I now hold in my arms was a cushion to the grief that I felt, but she does not replace her sibling in my heart. My grief does not overpower my joy, but the joy cannot completely mask the grief either.

International Babylost Mama Day

May 2, 2010

International Babylost Mama Day

To recognize and honor the mothers who have lost a baby

You are not forgotten--you are a beautiful mother

International Baby Lost Mama Day

United in grief, we find love and strength

International Babylost Mother's Day

May 2, 2010

It was Thanksgiving morning, 1994, that I woke up to the voice of my Mother in our living room. I had thought it was my aunt at first--my mother wasn't supposed to be home. She and my father had gone to the hospital the night before as she was in labor with my first and only brother, Joshua. There were six of us girls already and though my parents hadn't "tried" to get pregnant with any of us nor were they ever dissapointed at not having had a boy before, we were all very, very excited to welcome a brother in particular.

When I walked into the living room and saw my parents sitting on our couch, I noticed that my mother had been crying and that she was holding a small blue hat in her hand. Joshua was born at 24 weeks--the same time that the sister right above him had been born. She had made it, though spent the first 5 months of her life in the NICU. Joshua was born sleeping into the arms of Jesus and never made it down the hall to the NICU. I was barely ten-years-old at that time.

Our Thanksgivings have never been the same. Later that day in 1994, we went to my Great Grandmother's house for dinner. My extended family was there and with the then eight of us in my immediate family, there wasn't really enough food for everyone since we hadn't planned on being there. No one knew what to say to us, so we endured well meaning fake smiles and laughter while we ate boxed stuffing off of sytrofoam plates. I don't remember anyone saying anything to me about my brother.

My parents chose not to let us see Joshua except through photographs. They came to regret this decision later, but had thought at the time that the discoloration of his skin wouldn't be a good way for us to remember him by. Instead, they wrapped him in a blanket, put a hat on his head, and my dad went to the store to buy a toy firetruck. To this day, my heart cringes at the thought of walking through a toy store to buy a firetruck for your only son who would never play with it...The firetruck was placed into the casket beside my brother.

The funeral was held a few days later and was only attended by a small amount of people. We sat up front with my parents and stared at the 2' long white box that looked more like a foam cooler than a baby casket. At the cemetary, we sang "Praise Him, Praise Him, all ye little children, God is love, God is love..." before saying goodbye. It was cold and windy, and the chairs were forest green.

There was no offering of foot prints or photos for my parents when Joshua was birthed. The hospital didn't have tiny blankets to wrap him in, nor any counseling services for "this sort of thing" to suggest. We are left with a shoebox containing a few photos, a blue hat, and a striped receiving blanket by which to remember my brother, and the term "stillborn" to describe the event by. People still don't know what to say when they ask us "you have EIGHT daughters and NO boys?!" and we kindly respond with "we have a brother, but he was stillborn."

A decade later, there is support for what we now call "babylost" parents. Beravement jewlery, grief support groups, and even post partum products specifically for the mothers of these sleeping babies are now available. In one week, there will be an international day of recognition for these women, known as "International Babylost Mama Day." As far as I can tell, this will be the first time this day is observed (to be held the first Sunday of May each year), and has been organized by a beautiful Babylost Mama from Australia who lost her only son in 2007. It is a way to honor these forgotten mothers and babies and will be held on May 2nd, one week before the traditionally observed "Mother's Day."

Do you want to get involved? If you have been affected by the loss of a baby and would be willing to share your story to support and encourage other parents, I'd love to publish your story on Life More Simply! Please email your stories to lifemoresimply at yahoo.com with the title "Babylost Mama Day" in the subject line. Your story will be subject to editing without notice for grammar, spelling, etc.. Tasteful photos are also welcome with each submission (if possible, please post them to an online photo hosting service such as PhotoBucket.com so that I don't have to download anything--just send me the links!). The deadline for me to receive these will be May 1st and I will begin publishing on or after May 2nd, continuing throughout the week depending on how many submissions I receive.

Other ways to get involved:
Contact me about products you know of that are specifically made for or can help babylost parents and siblings.

Join the International Babylost Mama Facebook page.

Check out the International Babylost Mama website at http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/.