Beautiful Dreams

Today's the day. For those of you who also read my pregnancy-family journal blog at http://octobersheart.blogspot.com/, you know that I'm getting an ultrasound today that will hopefully allow us to visualize my son's stomach. We had our 20-week ultrasound (usually the only one you get with my midwife) and were then told at our 24-week appointment that they were unable to visualize our baby's stomach. No big deal, right? The sonographer recommended a follow up U/S at 24 weeks. My midwife scheduled us for an U/S at 28 weeks though she said we only needed an U/S if we wanted it.

Of course we want it! We love seeing that little man in there!

So a few days after our 24-week appointment, I began reading online about why a stomach wouldn't be seen on an U/S. Basically, it's because my son had either just peed and so had no fluid in the stomach to see when the sonographer looked, or he has a serious congential malformation of his esophagus that prevents him from swallowing. Esophageal Atresia is the name of this disorder and would require a level III NICU, surgeries, and months of hospitalization after birth given that there are no other problems.

I don't think I'd be concerned except that I have many of the symptoms that goes with esophageal atresia. Shortness of breath, measuring small and then having a growth spurt during the second trimester, fluid retention very early on, etc.. *sigh* So I called my midwife on Tuesday to speak with her about esophageal atresia and to see if I could get my U/S bumped up. I was able to get the U/S bumped up to today at 4pm but the midwife still has yet to call me back. :-\

Last night, I dreamt very vividly that at our U/S, they saw the stomach clearly right away. My amniotic fluid levels were normal, Monkey was above average in size, and everything was fine. In my dream, we recorded the U/S on a video cassette tape but as I watched the screen during the recording, I saw myself sitting in a rocking chair just after having given birth. I was holding Monkey and he had lots of dark hair that was all frazzled looking because we hadn't bathed him yet. I had him wrapped in a blanket and he was looking up at me. He lifted his little hand, fingers spread out, up towards me, and I put my palm against him. He was perfect, alert, and beautiful. Sooooooo beautiful. I woke up after this dream (for whatever reason--I think it was God allowing me to be able to remember such a precious dream) and felt my little guy bumping around in my womb as if to tell me that's how it's going to be, mama.

I want everything to be okay. I want to hold my baby and nurse him after he's born. I want to not worry about aspiration, pnemonia, and feeding tubes. But if we go today and find out otherwise, we will be okay. As I drove home from work yesterday, it occured to me that while in the womb, my child is perfect. He doesn't need an esophagus while he's inside of me. It's not until he's outside of me that his body wouldn't be perfect. What a neat realization this was for me! The Bible says that in Heaven, we will be perfect because  the veil we experience in this life will be lifted and we will see Jesus face to face. I've always assumed we would be changed and that's why we'd be perfect in Heaven. Now, though, I wonder if the reason we'll be perfect in Heaven is because we'll be face to face with God and won't need the things we do now as a result. He, like a mother, will be what we need, like a child in the womb.

May today be the realization of beautiful dreams for my family. And if it isn't, we are still comforted by knowing that God is a God of love and power to anyone who will accept Him, and that one day, we all can be perfect.