My son is 12-weeks-old today. I officially packed away his 3-6m clothing, and even moved him into medium sized diapers. It's bitersweet.
I realized in all of this, that I didn't have enough 6-9m clothing (one grocery bag full, to be exact!). So I went down in our basement, and pulled out LoveBug's 6-9m clothing bins in the hopes that I'd find something boyish looking in all of the little girl clothes. And then the tears came.
There is something about clothing for me...I often think about how much I've forgotten of LoveBug's infancy, but all of the sudden, when I pick up these itty-bitty clothing, things come back. I remember how she sat up for the first time while wearing that pink hoodie that says "LOVE" on it. And I remember how it felt when I held her in that purple and white checkered sleeper. Oh, how I long to slow down these precious days.
I was going to try to sell some of her baby clothes to help fund my business venture. But I don't know if I'm ready to yet. Maybe I can sell a few things. Maybe not. You see, there is so much that I don't remember about LoveBug being little. Thankfully, all of her "big" milestones happened in the evening when I was home with her. But for all of those little smiles, giggles, kisses, and naps, I was gone.
So many people told me it would get easier. That I wouldn't cry every day I came to work after the first week. That I would even be glad to leave my baby with someone else for the "break." That I eventually wouldn't care if my child didn't get my breast milk, so I would stop pumping. That I eventually wouldn't care if she got a rash from a disposable diaper because they're easier than using cloth.
But it didn't get easier, and I didn't stop caring. For every 5 or 6 days a week that I had to leave her, my heart broke. It still breaks when I think about how much I missed. I know that I didn't have an option, and that I really did do the best thing for my family. I know that her Daddy was with her, or her Grandma and Aunts if he was working. But it wasn't me.
I don't dwell on the fact that I missed so much of her first 18 months. I don't even think about it that often, really. But the fact remains that it wasn't me, and no matter how hard I try to grasp certain memories, I can't. I hate that.
Thank you, Jesus, for little clothes. They are like a band-aid for this mama's heart.
*hugs* It was very nostalgic, going through all A's old cloths, pulling out appropriate-sized things to prepare for R's arrival.
ReplyDeleteWhat a big boy you're growing! Mama milk is liquid gold.
I know it wasn't the point of your post, but we did mostly longies for pants at that point (which I've since sold off), but I will see what I can find in G's old stuff that is 6-9 months. We were so blessed by others giving us stuff for him, I'd be glad to pass on anything I can find.
Just logged on after giving birth- Cailean is 14 hours old. About to post but read this first. Buckets of tears!m Hormones+know that feeling all too well. Save the clothes with meaning- the memories will be worth more than the pennies you will get for them!
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm amazed he's in 6-9 month clothes. Josh is long but still solidly in 3-6 month clothes. I've been buying and selling a lot off on Ebay--sold over $106 in the last three weeks, all stuff we just had lying around. I'm not keeping much for future children since I know I'll just want to buy them clothes anyway...but selling on Ebay is something you might consider.
ReplyDeletei look at my second daughter and feel so lucky to have been able to be with her her entire life, and then i think about how sad it makes me i didnt do it for my first daughter. but we were at a different place and time in our lives and what we needed to do didnt fit with being a stay at home mom until now. granted i have been luckily one for two years, that we were somehow able to buy a small home for ourselves in a city we love, be closer to my mom and am now able to be there for my family 24 seven, so all the sacrifices are well worth it. i still do just wish sometimes i would have been able to be there for my 5 yr old when she was little. even though i cut back to only 4 days a week, i see now that i have been able to stay home, i wish i could have given her more. but i am happier now, and so is she because i can take her and pick her up from school, be there whenever she needs me(for the good and the bad) do homework, cook dinner, and make sure all the time we have together as a family is spent just that, as a family. i too, have those containers of clothes, and when i see those clothes on my 2nd daughter, i see my first daughters face all the time. and i am very grateful for that!
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